My Life As it stands right at this moment.

I didn't think I would end up being alone one day.
The News hits hard and hurts deeper then anyone knows. I would rather just die then do anything maybe i should just lay the fuck down and do nothing? Who knows? why is it so hard to have a person understand me. When they only think of themselves and no one else. What you do effects me. deeply very deep. I am not a loser, I love who I am and I know i can be a better man.

I'm being punished for the past and for things I should have never said, But regardless I said them. Im not going to sugar coat anything. I am guilty of being a bad boy friend at times but it takes two to tango, Its true. I need help to understand whats happening and what I can do to make my problems go away and fix them. I am a man of my word, what I have said I would do I will do. I have respect for all people that respect me back. I know that trust is earned and not just given away like some fuckin gift card. The holidays this year really fucking suck. I hope to one day look back and say it was all for something and not just a big mistake. I was told that I was not what I should be, do you know what that feels like?

If anyone knows what true pain is like and knows how deeply troubled I really am by what is happening in my life right now, please reach out and help me. Call me answer my emails let me know how i have effected you as a person and how I can make my past mistakes better by saying Sorry for them. Im not going to lie, I have hurt the ones i loved and regret things I've done but that is in the past. I am still a man and can own up to this. I respect each and everyone of you, family, Friends, Girl friend. You know im not perfect and no one is.

Back to the Holidays, all I wanted for Christmas was a Job thats it. I didn't ask for anything more. I did receive a few gifts and I am grateful that at least somebody thought about me enough to get me something small. I wish I could just get my life back on track starting with a job and working my way up to being everything I should be in life. I miss my father He passed away on December 19, 2004 the Holidays in my house mean nothing without him. It troubles me that Christmas comes and I go out and see people who have family and money and everything that I miss in my life, I am envious I really am. I just wish I was tight with my family like that.

I remember times when Dad would come home from working a party playing his music and then we would be filled with so much love and joy just to have him home. And New years would come and he would go work and we would all wait up for him to get home so we could count the tips and laugh cut the Vassilopita and enjoy what the new year would bring us. He was my idol My best friend and my father I don't believe he would be proud of me today the way I am. He would tell me to keep my head up. He would tell me that I shouldn't be down and out. I have been acting out in the worst ways I drank last night and got all upset and yelled and started fights. I feel like a jerk for that. Whats done is done. I can only say that from the bottom of my heart I am truly sorry and I will never act that way again. Sorry dad. I just wish you were here right now so I could talk to you and maybe even tell some old school dirty jokes so we could laugh like old times.

I have made a very big decision I am planning on joining the military. I do not know what branch but I do want to make a difference in my life and I want to have that structure that respect that comes from being part of a team. I would like to train as hard as I can and do anything and everything I can. I not only want to service my country but I want to make money and learn new things while there. Im not getting any younger and I do want to go to war. I know that is what my purpose in life is. I know it is I can feel it in my bones. Every ounce of me wants to go and fight. I know I would be great at many things, as for Andrea well shes made up her mind and believes I do not need to help her at all and that she needs to move out in order to be better. Being away from her is going to hurt me so all I can hope for is by joining the military I will become not only a better man but a trained killer. By that I mean Clean the world of evil men that wish death upon each and everyone of us. I want to know that when Im putting Bullets in the heads of evil men that my family can sleep at night knowing I stopped one less asshole from killing a loved one and taking away our rights and freedoms as Americans we are a force that can not be stopped. I will not elaborate any further.

I just hope I make it not just through basic training but train with Special Ops. The guys that really get the job done are the small teams of men sent behind enemy lines to finish missions that are highly dangerous and require much discipline, I do not know who I will become after all is said and done. In that regard my Girl friend probably doesn't care and why should she. After all shes leaving me behind. So Im leaving everyone behind. Ill one up everything. I can't wait Im going to enroll as soon as I finish up what I have to do here and tie up my loose ends. then Im hopefully and I can only pray Im next to go to war. If i do not make it then at least I gave it a shot, and If I die I do not want anyone to cry for me.