Chicago 2012 May 3rd, 4th, and 5th

Chicago Fuck with IT!

Having a blast with my Girl aka My down ass bitch aka KKG aka Ain't nobody can love me better.

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What family means, why I'm down and what makes me feel sad.

Just need another 8 hours os sleep that's all.  Passing out on the couch only to be awoken by yelling really sucks. I can't find peace not even in my room it doesn't matter where I sleep I wake up to yelling cause grandma doesn't listen to anyone anymore no matter how nice we talk or what we say she doesn't listen and fights with us. My mom isn't gonna be alive much longer if nobody helps her and then I'm going to have no mother cause my father is gone and now grandma is killing my mother. Nobody takes care of her like my mom does. It's so sad grandma lived with my mom and dad thier whole lives now my mother who is 100% handicapped has to take care of her, life sucks and I feel bad for my mom I can only help out so much.  We have sacrificed our lives to help grandma out and I guess no one cares the way we do. I hope that my mother gets to see one day of peace and doesn't have the stress she is dealing with now. The sad part is my grandmother had 4 children and since my father passed away and my mother is a widow it must be ok for her brothers and sister to just sit back and live thier lives while my mother dies. I'm not upset or mad cause we are family but family should always support and be there for each other cause in the end what else do we have? It's just not fair to live with grandma 24/7 and have her make my mother suffer I have no idea what mom would do without me to help her carry grandma up and down stairs and I have sacrificed so much of my time out of love for my mother and grandmother. My sister helps out when she can and now that Billy is gone I'm left to watch her when mom needs to go out because it takes grandma about 1 hour to 90 minutes just to get her ready to go food shopping for 30 minutes. I do not spend time with my mom or have a normal relationship with grandma cause she always thinks I'm sombody else. If anyone answers me with why don't you just put her in a home I would say how would you like to be put in a home where no one knows you and you get abused. Those homes are very sad and depressing and for the most part I made a promise to grandma when she still knew who I was, I told her as long as I'm alive you will not  be in a home. I understand grandma is old an has lived her life to the fullest but, I'm not her only grandchild and my mother isn't her only child what happen family? Where is the love now? Why haven't we become closer? It's sad that I have to vent this way if I pissed you off or offended you then, I'm sorry but I'm not guilty of anything I can die knowing I helped and did everything I could in my power to help out. I just feel bad that my mother suffers day in and day out. She doesn't have a life and can't even enjoy a day out with her granddaughter that's sad. I just hope that when or if I ever have children they take care of me like that. Oh and if you are family that does help us thank you and if your family that pretends nothing is wrong shame on you. I know that if grandma was a rich old woman things would have been diffrent, everyone would be probably be fighting to help out. But since she isn't we are fighting just to live and everyday is a struggle and uphill battle for the people in my house. We lost it all and we are still greatful for everything. I guess this what you call venting I have been through so much and I'm not asking for anything in return. I just wonder what happen to our family and why we fell apart? I do not question God cause it's all God's plan, I didn't have to go to church to find out what compassion was and what family means, I didn't have to go to church to love my  God or understand what our purpose in life was and is. To all who wasted thier time asking for forgivness you can stop cause your action speak louder then words. Judgement will come and I will be fine along with everyone who help us through these hard times. I pray that none of you ever have to walk in my shoes or live through the nightmares I've faced. Until then you will never grasp the reality or know the true meaning or lonelyness and depression. I wish I had lots of money cause then I would have been able to help mom out with grandma and make her life easier, my mother should be sainted for her deeds she is my saint. I love you mom and I am here for you no matter what, you know you never have to ask I'm always here to help you. I will do my best to help you in anyway I can. I know it's hard taking care of grandma alone and not having dad to talk to and I know I can't take dads place in the talks you use to have all I can do is help take care of grandma and listen to you when you need to talk. That's what family does and that's why I'm here. I haven't left you because I need you the same way you need me support. Love always your son.

Christmas is a time of love family and food if your like me then it's ok.

Got finally looked for lighter found it now I'm here. Outside enjoying my coffee and watching RAIN!!!! WTF kind of white Christmas is this it's a bunch of slush. Yeah thanks God! Today I am thankful for many things so I'm good. I did not ask for presents cause I could not buy things for anyone sorry. But if you know me then you know i would have went crazy if I did have loot.
Next subject I haven't lost the spirit o christmas I've just kind of said you need time to a true Christmas to me again. Praying for mericals and looking up at the sky might have worked in 1450 yelling at the heavens and freaking out might have worked a couple or years after Jesus was murdered. That's another thing how come cold case file still haven't looked into JC's death I mean yeah it was a while back but with today's tech they can find seamen on a needle in the haystack.
So yeah going to my sisters for food and to chill then home and to repeat my life.

My Life As it stands right at this moment.

I didn't think I would end up being alone one day.
The News hits hard and hurts deeper then anyone knows. I would rather just die then do anything maybe i should just lay the fuck down and do nothing? Who knows? why is it so hard to have a person understand me. When they only think of themselves and no one else. What you do effects me. deeply very deep. I am not a loser, I love who I am and I know i can be a better man.

I'm being punished for the past and for things I should have never said, But regardless I said them. Im not going to sugar coat anything. I am guilty of being a bad boy friend at times but it takes two to tango, Its true. I need help to understand whats happening and what I can do to make my problems go away and fix them. I am a man of my word, what I have said I would do I will do. I have respect for all people that respect me back. I know that trust is earned and not just given away like some fuckin gift card. The holidays this year really fucking suck. I hope to one day look back and say it was all for something and not just a big mistake. I was told that I was not what I should be, do you know what that feels like?

If anyone knows what true pain is like and knows how deeply troubled I really am by what is happening in my life right now, please reach out and help me. Call me answer my emails let me know how i have effected you as a person and how I can make my past mistakes better by saying Sorry for them. Im not going to lie, I have hurt the ones i loved and regret things I've done but that is in the past. I am still a man and can own up to this. I respect each and everyone of you, family, Friends, Girl friend. You know im not perfect and no one is.

Back to the Holidays, all I wanted for Christmas was a Job thats it. I didn't ask for anything more. I did receive a few gifts and I am grateful that at least somebody thought about me enough to get me something small. I wish I could just get my life back on track starting with a job and working my way up to being everything I should be in life. I miss my father He passed away on December 19, 2004 the Holidays in my house mean nothing without him. It troubles me that Christmas comes and I go out and see people who have family and money and everything that I miss in my life, I am envious I really am. I just wish I was tight with my family like that.

I remember times when Dad would come home from working a party playing his music and then we would be filled with so much love and joy just to have him home. And New years would come and he would go work and we would all wait up for him to get home so we could count the tips and laugh cut the Vassilopita and enjoy what the new year would bring us. He was my idol My best friend and my father I don't believe he would be proud of me today the way I am. He would tell me to keep my head up. He would tell me that I shouldn't be down and out. I have been acting out in the worst ways I drank last night and got all upset and yelled and started fights. I feel like a jerk for that. Whats done is done. I can only say that from the bottom of my heart I am truly sorry and I will never act that way again. Sorry dad. I just wish you were here right now so I could talk to you and maybe even tell some old school dirty jokes so we could laugh like old times.

I have made a very big decision I am planning on joining the military. I do not know what branch but I do want to make a difference in my life and I want to have that structure that respect that comes from being part of a team. I would like to train as hard as I can and do anything and everything I can. I not only want to service my country but I want to make money and learn new things while there. Im not getting any younger and I do want to go to war. I know that is what my purpose in life is. I know it is I can feel it in my bones. Every ounce of me wants to go and fight. I know I would be great at many things, as for Andrea well shes made up her mind and believes I do not need to help her at all and that she needs to move out in order to be better. Being away from her is going to hurt me so all I can hope for is by joining the military I will become not only a better man but a trained killer. By that I mean Clean the world of evil men that wish death upon each and everyone of us. I want to know that when Im putting Bullets in the heads of evil men that my family can sleep at night knowing I stopped one less asshole from killing a loved one and taking away our rights and freedoms as Americans we are a force that can not be stopped. I will not elaborate any further.

I just hope I make it not just through basic training but train with Special Ops. The guys that really get the job done are the small teams of men sent behind enemy lines to finish missions that are highly dangerous and require much discipline, I do not know who I will become after all is said and done. In that regard my Girl friend probably doesn't care and why should she. After all shes leaving me behind. So Im leaving everyone behind. Ill one up everything. I can't wait Im going to enroll as soon as I finish up what I have to do here and tie up my loose ends. then Im hopefully and I can only pray Im next to go to war. If i do not make it then at least I gave it a shot, and If I die I do not want anyone to cry for me.