Snow

This is one of the beautiful mornings you may dream about. As a kid I always wanted it to snow, it was always the most amazing feeling. Fresh snow and a 150ft drive way to run down screaming and playing. Snowball fights were common place back in the day. Had to smack the city buses too ice balls. Can't forget lazer tag either. We use to have some of the greatest times. One day I can only hope to have those feelings again, not a care in the world, all adults share this lost childhood but it all comes back if you want it bad enough.

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My Life As it stands right at this moment.

I didn't think I would end up being alone one day.
The News hits hard and hurts deeper then anyone knows. I would rather just die then do anything maybe i should just lay the fuck down and do nothing? Who knows? why is it so hard to have a person understand me. When they only think of themselves and no one else. What you do effects me. deeply very deep. I am not a loser, I love who I am and I know i can be a better man.

I'm being punished for the past and for things I should have never said, But regardless I said them. Im not going to sugar coat anything. I am guilty of being a bad boy friend at times but it takes two to tango, Its true. I need help to understand whats happening and what I can do to make my problems go away and fix them. I am a man of my word, what I have said I would do I will do. I have respect for all people that respect me back. I know that trust is earned and not just given away like some fuckin gift card. The holidays this year really fucking suck. I hope to one day look back and say it was all for something and not just a big mistake. I was told that I was not what I should be, do you know what that feels like?

If anyone knows what true pain is like and knows how deeply troubled I really am by what is happening in my life right now, please reach out and help me. Call me answer my emails let me know how i have effected you as a person and how I can make my past mistakes better by saying Sorry for them. Im not going to lie, I have hurt the ones i loved and regret things I've done but that is in the past. I am still a man and can own up to this. I respect each and everyone of you, family, Friends, Girl friend. You know im not perfect and no one is.

Back to the Holidays, all I wanted for Christmas was a Job thats it. I didn't ask for anything more. I did receive a few gifts and I am grateful that at least somebody thought about me enough to get me something small. I wish I could just get my life back on track starting with a job and working my way up to being everything I should be in life. I miss my father He passed away on December 19, 2004 the Holidays in my house mean nothing without him. It troubles me that Christmas comes and I go out and see people who have family and money and everything that I miss in my life, I am envious I really am. I just wish I was tight with my family like that.

I remember times when Dad would come home from working a party playing his music and then we would be filled with so much love and joy just to have him home. And New years would come and he would go work and we would all wait up for him to get home so we could count the tips and laugh cut the Vassilopita and enjoy what the new year would bring us. He was my idol My best friend and my father I don't believe he would be proud of me today the way I am. He would tell me to keep my head up. He would tell me that I shouldn't be down and out. I have been acting out in the worst ways I drank last night and got all upset and yelled and started fights. I feel like a jerk for that. Whats done is done. I can only say that from the bottom of my heart I am truly sorry and I will never act that way again. Sorry dad. I just wish you were here right now so I could talk to you and maybe even tell some old school dirty jokes so we could laugh like old times.

I have made a very big decision I am planning on joining the military. I do not know what branch but I do want to make a difference in my life and I want to have that structure that respect that comes from being part of a team. I would like to train as hard as I can and do anything and everything I can. I not only want to service my country but I want to make money and learn new things while there. Im not getting any younger and I do want to go to war. I know that is what my purpose in life is. I know it is I can feel it in my bones. Every ounce of me wants to go and fight. I know I would be great at many things, as for Andrea well shes made up her mind and believes I do not need to help her at all and that she needs to move out in order to be better. Being away from her is going to hurt me so all I can hope for is by joining the military I will become not only a better man but a trained killer. By that I mean Clean the world of evil men that wish death upon each and everyone of us. I want to know that when Im putting Bullets in the heads of evil men that my family can sleep at night knowing I stopped one less asshole from killing a loved one and taking away our rights and freedoms as Americans we are a force that can not be stopped. I will not elaborate any further.

I just hope I make it not just through basic training but train with Special Ops. The guys that really get the job done are the small teams of men sent behind enemy lines to finish missions that are highly dangerous and require much discipline, I do not know who I will become after all is said and done. In that regard my Girl friend probably doesn't care and why should she. After all shes leaving me behind. So Im leaving everyone behind. Ill one up everything. I can't wait Im going to enroll as soon as I finish up what I have to do here and tie up my loose ends. then Im hopefully and I can only pray Im next to go to war. If i do not make it then at least I gave it a shot, and If I die I do not want anyone to cry for me.

Checking out schools

The time has come and now I have to look into schools. I think that I have found a school with all the right programs, I'm trying to get into some kind of computer field cause I constantly see jobs for IT professionals. I know some people who work in the computer field and the money is good and the job security is a good as it's going to get. The school I'm going to see tomorrow offers job placement while going to school and it has a program that let's you go back after you graduate and keep up to date with the latest computer science. I'm excited about school and can't wait to check it out. It's been awhile since I've been in a class and I really want to see what a career based school looks like. Why anyone would go to a traditional college is beyond me unless your going into the medical field or want to be a professor of something. I feel like I don't have to know the history of Poland to fix a computer problem or take 4 years of a dead language to get software to work, if I want to learn those things I can always go to the local library and pick up the right books for the hobby. Many things intrest me but I shouldn't have to pay for them in a college when knowledge is free to all who seek it.

Today Is just another day Im ranting on many topics keep in mind I barely slept.

Still on my Job Hunt I do however have a few sites im linked to such as Bright fuse and Career builder as well as linked in they all work well. The only true problem I have is that they all want me to sell insurance I mean come on look at me would you buy insurence from me? I wouldn't buy insurence from me, anyway it seems kind of Fucked up in the long run. I have been looking for work and nothing yet but I still have some books to read and that makes me happy.

Andrea makes me happy. She made me a few e-cards and they made me smile. I know times are hard for us now but I don't plan on staying in this down state to long I have goals and have to make it happen before I die or die trying. I'm doing everything I can to find work now, since my leads on work keep falling through I just have to keep on moving forward and keep my head high. We both share the common goal and that is to find work and stay working so we can move out of moms house. I want my own place and it will be nice with our own privacy but we all had to make sacrifices and they pay off in the long run we are not stuck here forever and she knows that or at least I hope she does. Anyway thats enough about my personal life lets move on to the good stuff I hope you enjoy my blog cause it's not always that I get to express myself this way. But it does feel wonderful.

Yesterday I felt as though my whole family wanted nothing more then to sit around and Talk down to me and make me feel like shit but today its all good. I wonder what is going through everyones head. Why does everyone insist on picking on me wtf?! What did I do now? Its just the way it is I guess. It is my fault sometimes and I am to blame but come on already enough is enough. Im just going to lay low and stay out of everyones way, and if I have an idea keep it to myself and hope for the best.
I wrote my first and only comedy set two nights ago while trying to fall asleep its all about Hill Billys and rednecks I'm sure that all of the rednecks and hillbillies will be very upset with me but
The white Trash of the world will agree on some very valid points that I made, and the whole time this shit is funny. I made myself laugh. I know its some funny shit I might post it but due to the fact people steal every clever idea ill keep it to myself and one day hope to do a comedy routine and hopefully it will be in the south so I can piss off a bunch of dumbass redneck hillbillies that I personaly can't stand. I'm the king of white Trash/ Heavy Metal/ Hardcore/ Hip Hop and can say whatever I want cause I have the freedom of speech on my side. Im not racist nor do I claim to hate anyone of a different color or religion but I can't fuckin stand a bunch of ignorant shitheads that think they are better then city folks. All because you can fix your car with a rubber hose a paper clip and half eaten taco doesn't make you a redneck it just means your fucking idiot thats cheap and doesn't want to repair a car the way most people do and thats by taking it in for service. I'm not impressed with the country folks who have the crappy attitude and the aptitude of a 3rd grader.
If you really want to know why Im so drawn to make these conclusions look at people from the south they are just annoying and all hell. Number 1 you guys can not drive I have a witness to this, I was driving from FL to Chicago and in Kentucky or Tennessee it was on of those inbreed states you hear about were people die from self inflicted gunshot wounds on hunting trips and other retarded related injuries that I was doing well over the posted speed limit, I was in a 65mph zone doing around 98 to 100mph and out of nowhere I see a handicapped fat old lady flashing her high beams and honking up a storm for me to get out of the left lane I guess I wasn't going fast enough, I also got passed by a cotten headed viagra case that was giving me the jerk off hand gesture so I gave them all the finger and (I hope they can read my lips) I told them to suck my dick. the whole time Laughing up a storm I was tired and just didn't care. the point is this is the south what happen to southern hospitality keep in mind I had FL plates on the car and was driving normal. I was praying they would end up in a pile up down the road or god would just kill them. A fat lady isn't handicapped cause she can't walk due to her obese body not being able to support her. as for the old man who gave me the hand signals he was probably late for his meeting with his fat handicapped wife/sister and his children/brothers and sister what a dildo.
Those are just some of my Travel high lites. I do hate the south that is why they lost the war and they are still butt hurt over the whole thing, nothing freaks me out more then bible thumping Christians that have only one view of the world and thats what they say is right and Jesus died for our sins and the bullshit they say and do makes it ok for them to be dildos and act like that. But if God knew these people would have been around 2000 years after him he would have put in some kind of clause. Like don't act like an asshole and stop using my book in the literal sense you stupid ass dummies. If Jesus taught these people (us) anything its be tolerant not judgmental of everyone and everything. Show so fucking respect for people and stop all the bullshit. STOP forcing your views and opinions down everyones throats and look at yourself point the fingers at yourself not me or anyone else who lives a life and has their own standards on how they live. The reason we have all this crazy end of the world shit going on and people killing each other is cause of one religion or another. Christian fundamentalist are just as bad as Muslim extremest, I guess these people have never heard the expression to much of anything is bad for you. that goes for religion too. How can man take something as peaceful religion and make it the most evil corrupt thing to believe in?