What family means, why I'm down and what makes me feel sad.

Just need another 8 hours os sleep that's all.  Passing out on the couch only to be awoken by yelling really sucks. I can't find peace not even in my room it doesn't matter where I sleep I wake up to yelling cause grandma doesn't listen to anyone anymore no matter how nice we talk or what we say she doesn't listen and fights with us. My mom isn't gonna be alive much longer if nobody helps her and then I'm going to have no mother cause my father is gone and now grandma is killing my mother. Nobody takes care of her like my mom does. It's so sad grandma lived with my mom and dad thier whole lives now my mother who is 100% handicapped has to take care of her, life sucks and I feel bad for my mom I can only help out so much.  We have sacrificed our lives to help grandma out and I guess no one cares the way we do. I hope that my mother gets to see one day of peace and doesn't have the stress she is dealing with now. The sad part is my grandmother had 4 children and since my father passed away and my mother is a widow it must be ok for her brothers and sister to just sit back and live thier lives while my mother dies. I'm not upset or mad cause we are family but family should always support and be there for each other cause in the end what else do we have? It's just not fair to live with grandma 24/7 and have her make my mother suffer I have no idea what mom would do without me to help her carry grandma up and down stairs and I have sacrificed so much of my time out of love for my mother and grandmother. My sister helps out when she can and now that Billy is gone I'm left to watch her when mom needs to go out because it takes grandma about 1 hour to 90 minutes just to get her ready to go food shopping for 30 minutes. I do not spend time with my mom or have a normal relationship with grandma cause she always thinks I'm sombody else. If anyone answers me with why don't you just put her in a home I would say how would you like to be put in a home where no one knows you and you get abused. Those homes are very sad and depressing and for the most part I made a promise to grandma when she still knew who I was, I told her as long as I'm alive you will not  be in a home. I understand grandma is old an has lived her life to the fullest but, I'm not her only grandchild and my mother isn't her only child what happen family? Where is the love now? Why haven't we become closer? It's sad that I have to vent this way if I pissed you off or offended you then, I'm sorry but I'm not guilty of anything I can die knowing I helped and did everything I could in my power to help out. I just feel bad that my mother suffers day in and day out. She doesn't have a life and can't even enjoy a day out with her granddaughter that's sad. I just hope that when or if I ever have children they take care of me like that. Oh and if you are family that does help us thank you and if your family that pretends nothing is wrong shame on you. I know that if grandma was a rich old woman things would have been diffrent, everyone would be probably be fighting to help out. But since she isn't we are fighting just to live and everyday is a struggle and uphill battle for the people in my house. We lost it all and we are still greatful for everything. I guess this what you call venting I have been through so much and I'm not asking for anything in return. I just wonder what happen to our family and why we fell apart? I do not question God cause it's all God's plan, I didn't have to go to church to find out what compassion was and what family means, I didn't have to go to church to love my  God or understand what our purpose in life was and is. To all who wasted thier time asking for forgivness you can stop cause your action speak louder then words. Judgement will come and I will be fine along with everyone who help us through these hard times. I pray that none of you ever have to walk in my shoes or live through the nightmares I've faced. Until then you will never grasp the reality or know the true meaning or lonelyness and depression. I wish I had lots of money cause then I would have been able to help mom out with grandma and make her life easier, my mother should be sainted for her deeds she is my saint. I love you mom and I am here for you no matter what, you know you never have to ask I'm always here to help you. I will do my best to help you in anyway I can. I know it's hard taking care of grandma alone and not having dad to talk to and I know I can't take dads place in the talks you use to have all I can do is help take care of grandma and listen to you when you need to talk. That's what family does and that's why I'm here. I haven't left you because I need you the same way you need me support. Love always your son.

Today Is just another day Im ranting on many topics keep in mind I barely slept.

Still on my Job Hunt I do however have a few sites im linked to such as Bright fuse and Career builder as well as linked in they all work well. The only true problem I have is that they all want me to sell insurance I mean come on look at me would you buy insurence from me? I wouldn't buy insurence from me, anyway it seems kind of Fucked up in the long run. I have been looking for work and nothing yet but I still have some books to read and that makes me happy.

Andrea makes me happy. She made me a few e-cards and they made me smile. I know times are hard for us now but I don't plan on staying in this down state to long I have goals and have to make it happen before I die or die trying. I'm doing everything I can to find work now, since my leads on work keep falling through I just have to keep on moving forward and keep my head high. We both share the common goal and that is to find work and stay working so we can move out of moms house. I want my own place and it will be nice with our own privacy but we all had to make sacrifices and they pay off in the long run we are not stuck here forever and she knows that or at least I hope she does. Anyway thats enough about my personal life lets move on to the good stuff I hope you enjoy my blog cause it's not always that I get to express myself this way. But it does feel wonderful.

Yesterday I felt as though my whole family wanted nothing more then to sit around and Talk down to me and make me feel like shit but today its all good. I wonder what is going through everyones head. Why does everyone insist on picking on me wtf?! What did I do now? Its just the way it is I guess. It is my fault sometimes and I am to blame but come on already enough is enough. Im just going to lay low and stay out of everyones way, and if I have an idea keep it to myself and hope for the best.
I wrote my first and only comedy set two nights ago while trying to fall asleep its all about Hill Billys and rednecks I'm sure that all of the rednecks and hillbillies will be very upset with me but
The white Trash of the world will agree on some very valid points that I made, and the whole time this shit is funny. I made myself laugh. I know its some funny shit I might post it but due to the fact people steal every clever idea ill keep it to myself and one day hope to do a comedy routine and hopefully it will be in the south so I can piss off a bunch of dumbass redneck hillbillies that I personaly can't stand. I'm the king of white Trash/ Heavy Metal/ Hardcore/ Hip Hop and can say whatever I want cause I have the freedom of speech on my side. Im not racist nor do I claim to hate anyone of a different color or religion but I can't fuckin stand a bunch of ignorant shitheads that think they are better then city folks. All because you can fix your car with a rubber hose a paper clip and half eaten taco doesn't make you a redneck it just means your fucking idiot thats cheap and doesn't want to repair a car the way most people do and thats by taking it in for service. I'm not impressed with the country folks who have the crappy attitude and the aptitude of a 3rd grader.
If you really want to know why Im so drawn to make these conclusions look at people from the south they are just annoying and all hell. Number 1 you guys can not drive I have a witness to this, I was driving from FL to Chicago and in Kentucky or Tennessee it was on of those inbreed states you hear about were people die from self inflicted gunshot wounds on hunting trips and other retarded related injuries that I was doing well over the posted speed limit, I was in a 65mph zone doing around 98 to 100mph and out of nowhere I see a handicapped fat old lady flashing her high beams and honking up a storm for me to get out of the left lane I guess I wasn't going fast enough, I also got passed by a cotten headed viagra case that was giving me the jerk off hand gesture so I gave them all the finger and (I hope they can read my lips) I told them to suck my dick. the whole time Laughing up a storm I was tired and just didn't care. the point is this is the south what happen to southern hospitality keep in mind I had FL plates on the car and was driving normal. I was praying they would end up in a pile up down the road or god would just kill them. A fat lady isn't handicapped cause she can't walk due to her obese body not being able to support her. as for the old man who gave me the hand signals he was probably late for his meeting with his fat handicapped wife/sister and his children/brothers and sister what a dildo.
Those are just some of my Travel high lites. I do hate the south that is why they lost the war and they are still butt hurt over the whole thing, nothing freaks me out more then bible thumping Christians that have only one view of the world and thats what they say is right and Jesus died for our sins and the bullshit they say and do makes it ok for them to be dildos and act like that. But if God knew these people would have been around 2000 years after him he would have put in some kind of clause. Like don't act like an asshole and stop using my book in the literal sense you stupid ass dummies. If Jesus taught these people (us) anything its be tolerant not judgmental of everyone and everything. Show so fucking respect for people and stop all the bullshit. STOP forcing your views and opinions down everyones throats and look at yourself point the fingers at yourself not me or anyone else who lives a life and has their own standards on how they live. The reason we have all this crazy end of the world shit going on and people killing each other is cause of one religion or another. Christian fundamentalist are just as bad as Muslim extremest, I guess these people have never heard the expression to much of anything is bad for you. that goes for religion too. How can man take something as peaceful religion and make it the most evil corrupt thing to believe in?